Celebrate our Birth

We are reborn long before we see the earthly transformation. Just as a child remains hidden for 9 months after it is conceived, so our new selves remain hidden even after we are re-formed. It may be a minute, a month (Advent) or a lifetime, but we are assured that we are new creatures, even if it appears that we wear the old skin. We must pray, trust, & believe.

The truth is, we are born again & again & again in a never-ending series of miracles. We do not have merely one moment of rebirth at a specific time & place, as some mistakenly believe. No, it is a lifelong birthing experience as more and more of our true self is revealed. We must be reborn, yes. But we are mistaken if we think it is limited to our temporal plane. No, it lasts our entire lives and beyond, as we are changed from glory into glory.

In this holiday season, we are reminded to Believe. I believe. Blessed Diety, I believe. I pray that I be granted further miracles of birth, as more of my true self unfolds.

Go Forth as a Fierce Messenger of a Wild Joy

What do you have for me, Lord?

The response: "In this time of holiday celebration, go deeper. Reach inside the season."

I see an explosion of glittering red. Red for sacrifice. Red for passion. Red for wild joy. I see glimmering shards of deep red Christmas glass, each one capable of piercing the human heart with a fierce joy that changes the way we view the world, that changes the world itself.

I am pierced. My heart is torn as the shard enters. The blood, my blood, nurtures the sharp sliver of glass. My heart becomes a womb which quickly bursts forth with the birth of a new batch of glimmering red, shooting through my body & out my fingers & toes.

"Go forth as a fierce messenger of a wild joy - shower others with shards as well, so that one may pierce through each heart and they in turn may be seized by fierce joy. It is joy and love that conquers the world."

Let Go

It's time to let go of guilt, regret, lost hope and every other negative thing. I offered them up and God forgave long ago. I live in bondage by holding to perceived faults and failures. It is not humility but hubris that causes me to beat myself with these empty shells of memory.

The Christ asks tirelessly, "Can you stay with me now?" He wants me to through Him to the rest of the world - the Christ filter. It is beauty and joy; it is the fast-track to our dreams, to our Spirit dreams, infused with matter and come true.

Nothing is Forbidden

With God, nothing is forbidden. There are no taboo thoughts, feelings or actions. Within God, anger can be expressed, murderous thoughts can be formed, hatred can burble forth.

All is safe within God, because He soothes, heals, and finds the kernel of good hidden in it all. His transforming Love causes the ugly exterior to die & fall away as that kernel sprouts, taking nourishment from the dead shell of sin & evil, and so subsuming it all and transfiguring it to glorious Good.

In the End, Good Wins

If God created everything, and if everything God created was Good, then what we call evil must merely be Good twisted and warped beyond our recognition.

In that case, a seed of Good must still lie at the heart of every terrible act, thought & event, because evil is not stronger than God. It cannot destroy what God creates, but only mask it from us temporarily.

That means what we view as evil cannot be the final result, but only an intermediate step visible in this complicated universe. We can trust that in the end, every painful, sorrowful, heinous thing will be transformed: subsumed by the Good that lies hidden deeply within.

In the end of all ends, Good wins. And that is a hopeful thing.

For the Sake of Love

Me: "God, was it necessary for my husband to die in order for me to be spiritually & creatively where I am now?"

God: "No child. There were many other paths to this moment. This has been a sorrowful walk, indeed."

I realize that God's pain is even deeper than mine. Without compassion, God cannot be God. Choosing to be with us, where we are, means taking on our sorrow, too, more deeply than we can feel - for the sake of compassion. For the sake of Love.

Mantra

"I am trusting, I am giving, I am blessing, & I am blessed." This is my reality, and this is my mantra.

Perfect in God's Eyes

"Oh, child, you are perfect. You do not need to change yourself. Just come close, mold yourself against Me - let Me shape you with My loving embrace. Come, come cling to Me. You are my delight, just as you are..."

God my Healer

Taize meditation, God speaking:

"Open yourself to me. Do not hold back any part of yourself - body, mind, spirit. I want it all. Open to me, take me in - healing is possible if you let Me fill the hurt places."

A rush of water, cleansing, cooling - the ocean flowing & ebbing, cleaning, cleansing. Then an infilling of deliciously warm water.

God my healer, my all.

A Child of the Kingdom

I am a child of God, therefore the entire Kingdom is mine. I can afford to be gracious & yielding to all around me, because I have no less through doing so.

Wings

Wings.
I feel my
WINGS.
Unfurled,
heavy attachments
to my shoulders.
The breeze,
the Holy breeze
as they flap lazily
keeping my spirit aloft.
Wings.
I had forgotten.

Special Treatment

The blessing of the elements in Christian communion is more than just show; it is the unfolding of the miraculous before our eyes, each & every Sunday, as the earthy elements of bread & wine are imbued with the living presence of Christ. We should treat the blessed elements in a special way when service is over.

And we should treat ourselves & each other just as specially, because we too are transformed with the living presence of Christ & the Holy Spirit.

Care for my Vessel

Illness is a warning shot over the bow, a reminder to get my ship in order. It is one thing to be battered by storms, and an entirely different matter to take a mallet to my own boat & start punching holes. I must stop hurting myself with overlong hours, inadequate nutrition, and stress. It is not virtue to abuse myself. I must take loving care of this vessel.

The Gift of Emotion

God says, "Your emotions are one of the greatest gifts I have given you. Quit stopping up it up! Let it flow, because it is in that flow that healing & blessing comes into the world."

Pay Attention

Pay attention. The heightened tension/anxiety that accompanies creativity MEANS SOMETHING. Be alert! It may mean positive spiritual movement, or it may mean Enemy. If it turns to high anxiety & fear, it becomes the work of negative force.

Forgive

Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Body pain is often symptomatic of what's happening inside our souls. Heal the spirit --> heal the body.

Depths into the Shallows

The Enemy deceives us by slowly drawing us from the depths into the shallows, and convincing us that these are the deepest depths. We must throw off the distorted lenses that cloud our eyes.

Dance in the Downpour

God says, "You dwell upon the wrong things, child. Don't cower at passing troubles. Instead, walk boldly forward. Look at the showers pouring over you - love, family, friends. Hold your arms up & dance in the downpour. Live. Love. Serve. Rejoice."

Things You Need to Know, part six

Religious belief & practice are important, because they open us to Spirit. The body & blood of Christ in the Sacrament; the resurrection - these are 'esse', because they are the Spirit-openings into our lives. (Or more correctly, the openings for our lives to travel into Spirit.)

That's why religion is not the enemy. We hear about 'spirituality' vs. 'religion'. Religion is our spirituality developed & put into practice. Without it, spiritual progress doesn't happen, & it remains in the realm of fantasy. Just like great dreams of earthly accomplishment - without a concrete plan, action & follow-through, they remain castles in the air.

But spirituality is not fantasy. It is reality of the deepest & wildest kind. But we cannot travel the path without instruction & guidance & discipline, which is religion.

Things You Need to Know, part five

The point of religion is to make us better able to see Spirit, to BE Spirit. It is deep love, deep passion, deep thought. To be alive, to connect with Spirit - which is every bit of matter, living & quiescent - this is 'esse', the essential part. All the rest comes after.

Things You Need to Know, part four

Spirit is not some ephemeral, intellectual abstract. It is love, it is tangible, it is palpable, it is both real & true.

Things You Need to Know, part three

Matter matters. There is Spirit oozed into every space between the electrons. We cannot separate matter from Spirit. It is all sacred.

Things You Need to Know, part two

You have to know what you're looking for. Spirituality takes training.

Things You Need to Know, Part One

The religious paths are true. Whether they are 'real' was never the point. Choose one.

Soaring with the Spirit

What would it look like to let go completely, so stop trying to use my own frail strength to forge the godly relationship? I picture the Spirit holding me back to belly, her arms gently & safely around me, as we soar above the earth together - looking down upon the world in mutual delight, pointing out to each other trees, flowers, rocks, people. Delight. Total delight.

That's how we are supposed to live. Held in the unfailing arms of the Spirit, buoyed into a lightness of being that allows us to delight in God's creation, in communion with our Deity, full of love & joy.

Held Tight

After a bout of doldrums, I apologized in prayer to the Christ for letting go of him and succumbing to my own grief.

"No problem," he responded with a big, blinding, loving grin. "Didn't you notice? I held you tight. You didn't go anywhere."

Ah. It's not the strength of my grip, but the strength of God's that matters.

God to the Nth

Do I believe in an anthropomorphic God? Yes, and so much more. The morph-vision I had of God included human male & female, but also other, unfamiliar presentations. Anthropomorphism is one manifestation, but certainly not the entirety of the Godhead.

I am an 'n'-tarian: Trinitarian plus. As Christians, we believe we have correctly named three representations of God, but I suspect there are infinitely more.

God to the first power = Judiasm, Islam
God to the third power = Christianity
God to the nth power = me

The Mighty Mountain of God

I picture God as a mountain. There are many paths already worn up and around this mountain: major paths like Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, Judaism & Islam, as well as less-worn paths. Most of us choose a path whose entry point is near us – Christianity in the West or Hinduism in India, for example.

Those who say, “I will forge my own path to God,” rarely ascend beyond the foothills. It is a lofty goal to strive to be in the trail-blazing company of Jesus, Buddha, Mohammad & others. The danger of ‘my own path’ is that it is very difficult to forge a new way. It is much more likely that we will miss out on most of the journey by giving up while still on the gentle slopes, after using up our energy hacking through thorns & brush. ‘My own path’ is usually a short track that leads only to a shallow spirituality.

Agnostics refuse to step foot upon the mountain, reasoning that because they cannot see the summit, they cannot commit to a path that claims to climb. Atheists spend their lives with averted eyes, claiming that the mountain does not exist.

The rest of us scrabble blindly upon the mountain on our hands & knees, unseeing but determined to forge ahead. How blessed are those saints who light the path for us, at least for a few steps! They illuminate, for a glimmering moment, our journey’s end: granting us a vision of beauty, love, hope & joy, & giving us the strength to clamber on.

The Madness of Mercy

We who have no hope must yet hope. We who have tasted death must look through it to life. We must journey & believe that we will arrive, though we suspect we cannot.

We must wear our inside on the outside, & believe that we can internalize that which is external, believe that we can transform it through our spiritual bowels into hope.

What madness is this?

It is the madness of mercy. It is God's mercy, which transforms all things into glory through love, mixing & blending all - good, evil, up, down, right, wrong - into a mad swirl Beyond our senses. We Name the swirl Nirvana, Heaven, Paradise - unknowable & yet deeply known.

Enjoy the Harvest

What do you have for me, God?

He replies, "It's the season of harvest. Relax & enjoy! Look also for opportunities for spiritual harvest, for they will be present." I sense that God desires my joy. To be pleased & excited with the gifts of the harvest touches Him deeply.

God chooses to need us, and our delight pleases Him above all else.

Tangled Knots - a poem

I give to you, O God,
all
the sticky, tangled
knots
inside of me

over
and over
and over
and over again,
Will I give them to You.

Until they fix
to You
and not
to me.

Until they
are totally
Yours,
and
You can
snap
Your fingers
and turn them
to dust.

She Who Heals

In a Taize service, I sit before cross & candle, meditating. God stands before me. She reaches into me and starts pulling on a large tumor of pain & hurt. The tumor has tentacles that reach deep, twining around my essential parts, its stringy fingers reaching even into my brain.

She gives a hard tug. It hurts like crazy when She does that, making my eyes water. But it is too twisted and tangled in my essence to give way.

"I just wanted you to see how deeply embedded your pain is," she says. "There is no way you can get it out yourself." I nod agreement, my eyes still stinging.

Then she taps her fingers together. The stringy, globby mess turns to dust & blows away.

"But I can take care of it all," she notes. She taps her fingers again, and the tumor returns.

"I just wanted you to see how easily I can heal. When you're ready, ask," she says.

A bell rings. Meditation time is over. The vision fades. The reading begins. It says,

"The pain & the wounds go too deep for us to heal alone. Only God, only a far Greater Power can penetrate such depth of pain, & gently, gently soothe & kiss us into wholeness. It is too much for us, all of it has to be given over entirely to God. All of it."

Why do I hold so doggedly to my sorrows? Uncurl your fingers, let loose the pain, be healed.

Heart Swap

In meditation, God appears before me in female form. She starts reaching inside of me. "You don't need this anymore," She says, pulling from the region of my lower right back, which always aches. I was once told by a psychic that this is where I store the hurts of others.

She continues to pull & fuss & rearrange me from the inside, and finally She pulls my heart out and looks at it. It is broken, hard & calcified. It's a very ugly dead thing in Her hand.

"Do you really think you need this?" She asks me. I agree that it doesn't look very functional.

"Great!" She says, tucking it inside her robes. "I'll just keep it." Then She reaches into Her own chest and brings forth a little blob of red, pulsing matter.

"Here," She says. "I'll trade you. Take a piece of my heart, instead."

She places it inside of me. I'm disappointed. "I don't feel any different."

"Oh, you will," She reponds. "Just give it a little time."

In Good Hands

Before cross & candle: “OK, God, what do you have for me?”

Instantly, my mind explodes with an amazing montage as God morphs male, female, young , old, father, mother, and even some representations that are so alien I can’t comprehend them. I see, in a flash, the tiniest portion of this Deity I’ve chosen to follow.

It leaves me stunned. It is impossible for me – or any human – to ever ‘know’ this Being. But in an odd way, it is comforting – I truly understand now that I’m in capable hands.

The Terrible Gift of Greatness

I was asked, “Which would you rather have and why: Genius-level intellect, world-class talent or stunning good looks?” My response:

"Gosh, since I already have all three… :) (just kidding...)

I would rather have strength of character and a kind heart.

Looks fade and can change in an instant through misfortune. Athletic talent erodes with the passing of years and the weakening of the human body. Even genius-level intellect is faint consolation compared with the joy of caring."

About talent: those given extraordinary talent carry with them the responsibility to use what has been given. There is nothing so sad as the one who squanders great talent. There is also nothing so sad as one who fully uses their talent, because great gifts mean great trials and a life that may not be one’s own to choose.

Rise up and Run

Christ said to the lame man, “Rise, take up your pallet and walk.”

Is it OK if I walk? Is it OK if I run now? Is it OK to fly?

We are Never Alone

I walk a labyrinth. I walk slowly, in deep meditation. With each step, I feel an increasing heaviness, as though the weight of my life and my sorrows are increasing. In the center of the labyrinth is an altar. I hesitate before entering. I admit to feeling a little disappointed. I’ve never walked a labyrinth before, and I expected a mystical experience, a magical presence. But I haven’t felt anything but heaviness.

I step into the center, and he is there. The Christ. Really, truly present. I take the waiting bread and wine, and I try not to cry as I stand with him. As I turn to retrace my steps and conclude the labyrinthian journey, I sense him walking beside me. With each step, I feel more and more people walking with us, saints from untold years past, until we are legion.

“This is real, isn’t it?” I whisper to Christ. “I mean, you’re really here with me, aren’t you?”

“Did you think I was make-believe? Did you think the words, ‘Lo I am with you always, even to the end of the age’, were pretend?”

I am never alone. I am totally surrounded by all the saints of every faith and every age; by all people past, present and future. The Christ walks with us at all times, whether or not we sense the Presence. We are never alone.

Wisdom from a Saint

Interviewer: What do you say when you pray?

Mother Teresa: I listen.

Interviewer: What does He say?

Mother Teresa: He listens.

Let the Wheel Turn

From 2004:

I am moving into a new home today. I meditate, sinking into my pool of Spirit. The image of the new house is before me.

“Why are you here?” asks the Eternal.

“To write,” I reply.

“Then do it,” she says.

“Why are you here?” asks the Eternal again.

“To be in peace,” I reply.

“Then be in peace,” she responds.

“Why are you here?” she asks a final time.

“To live,” I reply.

“Then LIVE.” states the Eternal.

I ask, “I have received many visions. Moving into this home means that some of them can never occur. Which are the true visions, and how do I tell the difference?”

“There is not a single path, there are many possible paths, depending upon your choices,” responds the Eternal. “They are all true, because they are all paths that I can use to work incredible good. Many paths depend not just upon your choices, but upon the choices of others, some whom you know and some whom you do not. There is no need to point a finger at yourself or at others. There is no need to place blame if the path changes. It will all be good. It’s OK to let the wheel turn.”

Living Great

It is reported that James Michener, walking upon the deck of an aircraft carrier during WWII thought, “When this war is over, I’m not going to be the same guy. I’m going to live as if I were a great man.”

These words resound inside me. My grief has receded (most of the time) - my travail nears its end. I am not the same person that I was. I occasionally try to climb back into the old skin, but it doesn’t fit anymore. It is dry, has lost its elasticity, and it keeps falling off. I look ridiculous trying to hold it around me.

I will live as thought I were a great woman. I will live larger, not smaller, because of my sorrow. I will not look for undersized holes in which to crouch. I will expand. I will unfold my entire being, and I will take up my full share of this space-time continuum – and then some. I will live as though I were a great woman.

We Are All Meant to Shine

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children of God do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we our liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson

Photographic Vision

All pictures point to the Original.

Stay in the Box

Kneeling before candle and cross, I ask the Eternal – “What do you have for me today?” I have a vision of Jesus standing in front of me, looking earnestly at me. His knees are slightly bent, and he reaches out and takes my hands in his as though he is going to teach me to roller-skate. His hands hold me securely, keeping me safe from falls.

“Can you stay with me now?” he asks earnestly. There is no condemnation in that question, only concern and love. It is a check to see how I’m doing.

“I think so,” I respond.

My late husband is suddenly standing beside me, watching. “Hold your feet still,” he admonishes, just as he coached children standing in the batter’s box. “Don't step away. Hold your feet still.”
___________________

The next week, I kneel before cross and candle. “What do you have for me tonight?”

The vision of Christ holding my hands returns. “Are you ready? Can you stay with me now?” At my nod, he suddenly grabs my upper arms and draws me to him in a strong, urgent embrace, the embrace of an impatient and eager lover.

I am held tightly against him, and then suddenly I am falling, falling through him, passing through his heart, covered with blood as I go. I am not pleased with the sensation. I don’t like getting dirty – it’s probably why I don’t like painting.

“It’s OK,” I tell myself. “It’s just blood.”

Then I’m through him and on the other side (though I don't know what that means) and I can feel the blood interacting with the cells of my body, sort of a foaming, stinging sensation. I look down. My body is transformed - I'm brighter somehow, and I feel...solid, even though I think I might be glowing. It’s still me, but I realize it’s an imperishable me. “So that’s how it works!” I think. I look around, squinting into blinding whiteness. “But where am I?”

Suddenly, I’m back in the chapel by candle and cross. I’m dizzy and overwhelmed.

And I’m left with the distinct impression that I have been given a vision of life, not death – a vision of something that is available to me and to us all, right now, if we can only find the path.

The Beauty of Brokenness

While kneeling before cross & candle at a Taize service, I heard the voice of the Eternal.

“This candlelight is beautiful & holy. But if you could see the people around you with My eyes, you would see such a blessed brightness that you could scarcely bear it through squinted eyes.”

Then I saw a vision of beams of light shining brightly from each person in their broken places, intersecting & colliding with beams from others, dashing off at odd angles & creating beautiful patterns of light in the air & glorious prisms of color at each intersection. I viewed flash after flash of rainbow light, and I was blinded by the glory of those loving & loved faces gathered there.

It occurred to me that I had no idea what pain and hurt must exist in that room, to create such beauty.

The Hearth-fire of Hope

Hope. What is hope? I think it's not the flaming, blinding light of Love, but rather a small warm hearth-fire. It is the type of fire that I prefer, actually. I need to tend my hope-fire, rather than neglect it until it goes out. It is so much harder to start it again from cold ashes. We all need to regularly tend our hope-fires.

The Gift of Matter

A few years ago, I sat in St. Mary’s Cathedral in Mount Angel, enjoying a choir concert. My son was in the choir, and as the men took a solo section, I could hear his voice, sounding faintly like his father's. I wished my late husband was there to listen. Then it occurred to me that all the departed saints and all the hosts of heaven could very well fit into the vaulted ceiling of the sanctuary, because they were energy, not matter. Perhaps he was there, after all.

And it struck me what a great gift matter is. Spirit beings stand in awe of us because we are matter. We can experience things they cannot. All the angel choirs of heaven cannot produce the sound of a human voice raised in song.

I think that it was not easy for the Eternal to produce matter. Even for an omnipotent Being, this was a Herculean task. But into this effort, the Eternal poured her love – the love of creatures, her children.

And so, our very matter is a gift, a joy, a blessing. Even in our pain, even in our sorrow and our dying, the gift of matter is an awesome one. We sometimes wander this earth feeling clumsy and awkward in our flesh wrapping, but it is a miracle and a blessing. To feel, to see, to smell, to taste and sense with our fleshly bodies is a unique and holy gift.

Little Balls of Spirit-stuff

We are all little balls of Spirit-stuff, rolled lovingly in caring Hands, breathed into Being, and tossed upward into the world to fly free. Our whole lives are a joyful journey forward to our first Home.

Broken Vessels

There is a reason that the Hebrew word for ‘Spirit’ is the same as for ‘breath’. It is not a metaphor, but a reality. With every breath, we truly renew our Spirit. We bring the Holy (eternal, greater) Spirit into our bodies with each inhalation. It is when we cease to bring the eternal into ourselves that our spirit flees and we die.

I have a vision of sinking into holy waters and taking a deep breath of Spirit. The Spirit waters are viscous and I am struck with terror, for I am choking and drowning. My lungs, accustomed to vapid air, are not prepared for the rich nourishment of Spirit.

Then the feeling passes and I feel euphoric. It is as though this is the first time I’ve ever truly breathed. I look down. Through the patchwork of cracks in my shattered self, light shines brightly through, casting a beautiful and complex design upon the Spirit waters around me. I realize that the light is love, pouring through me because of the cracks in my being. I realize that this Love light shines brightest through the most broken vessels. It can shine brightly through me only because of my brokenness.