Lamb, the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

I just finished Lamb. It gave me food for thought, because I've recently made life decisions that involve selling most of what I own (including my house) and getting ready to hit the open road on what seems a madcap adventure to follow the Christ. Here are ruminations about some of the quotations that struck me:

"You won't believe the wonderful things I've learned since I left here, Joy. About being the agent of change (change is at the root of belief, you know)..." (Lamb 305)

Change brings about belief – it is fundamental to belief. Stasis does not bring me faith – I must change, my circumstances must change, everything must change. The radical lifestyle transformation that I am beginning is ONLY the beginning.

"By following Joshua, we had already divorced ourselves of the expectation of normal existence. Marriage, home, family; they were not part of the life we had chosen, Joshua made that clear to all of his disciples..." (Lamb 364)

To follow Jesus as an apostle, I have to really understand that I am giving up a normal existence. I give up hopes of home, family, marriage and all other trappings of a typical life. I should not set out this door still yearning for those things. I need to understand that I am GIVING UP any right to even hope for them. I will not offer to God that which costs me nothing. I must understand this as I commit myself to a pilgrim life.

"What set them apart from the multitudes who would follow Joshua was that they had stepped off the path of their own lives to spread the Word." (Lamb 364)

The problem/joy/reality is, God offers me glimpses down different paths. Not all paths lead to all visions.  I realized this long ago.  I have the gift of glimpses, not the gift of seeing the absolute future. I see what may come to pass, I do not prophesy what WILL come to pass. I think it is because we have free will, and therefore the future is not set in stone. I sometimes see what will happen IF I make certain choices. Some of those (quite lovely) glimpses are unlikely to come to fruition if I walk the traveler's path.

"You all want to cast off what you own, leave your families & risk persecution & death to spread the good news?" Joshua asked.

"Yes!" they all shouted. (Lamb 377)

Am I really, REALLY willing to do this? Am I willing to be misunderstood, ridiculed and thought unbalanced in order to follow God in this way?

"Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination. They don't need to understand it, they only need to believe, and they do. They imagine the kingdom as they need it to be, they don't need to grasp it, it's there already, they can let it be." (Lamb 394)

Do I have the imagination for this depth of faith? Intelligence will get me only a short distance down this path, understanding little further. I must hold my imagination. Am I willing to do this?

I am the ultimate Fool, because I have already answered yes, even Knowing that I do not understand what I am saying.

Chrysalis

Lately, I find myself oft walking in pastoral moonlight at the invitation of a rediscovered friend. It is a spiritual walk through grove and field, with much talk of theology and mystical views. We strolled last night ahead of a predicted wind storm. I could smell the charging air. Weather was indeed afoot.

As we walked through a grove, I was struck by how ALIVE the flora seemed. I swear I could feel the trees and plants bursting from their winter quiescence into an exultant sentience. I commented as much.

"Oh," replied my friend, Chris. "That's because we're in the midst of Beltane. It isn't just a one-day celebration. The party is still going on."

In contemporary times, Beltane is celebrated on May 1 - also known as May Day. It is a Celtic festival that marks the midpoint of the spring season. It is characterized by bonfires and birth, by the making and the springing forth of new life. It does make sense that the world would feel especially alive right now.

We walked into a open grass field. "Can you feel it?" I said.

"Indeed," he replied.

"I have the strongest impulse to roll in the grass,"

"Well, then, why don't you?"

So I did. I took off my coat, lay down in the grass and rolled and rolled and rolled. When I finally whumped to a halt on my back, I was so dizzy that the cloudy sky spun for several minutes, making me nauseous. But I laughed delightedly, and the spinning - and my stomach - slowly calmed.

I arose and staggered around. (I have a cranky inner ear.) As I wobbled home, I felt as though I had tumbled in long filaments of spirit-stuff, which were now swathed about me in a light, gauzy cocoon.

The feeling persists today. I wonder what will be born of this chrysalis?

I'm SO not in Charge

In discussing my potential clergy call in a prior post, I noted that "once God wraps Her arms around you, She never lets go." It is truth. I was not able to abandon the discernment process. Instead, I was compelled to make peace, and to move forward with a gracious spirit. Excerpt from a recent essay assignment:

"To understand the need for clergy, we have to accept that Christianity is not a rational, civilized religion; rather, it is a wild and bloody mess. As followers of the Christ, we gather together each week, sit before a smeary altar, and watch as our priest utters words of incantation that change the mundane into the profoundly sacred. We kneel before a torturous symbol and insume the body and blood of our God via human sacrifice.

If we pretend our religion is otherwise, then there really is no need for clergy. But if we accept that we follow a God who demands no less than our bodies and souls, who did not spare even His own son, then we can perhaps begin to divine the necessity for those learned and brave (or perhaps foolish) enough to attempt the rituals that are an integral part of our faith. It is the clergy who risk standing before God in the rites of Communion, Baptism, Marriage and the rest. It the clergy who lay themselves bare upon the altar and offer themselves as a shield for the laity.

Clergy are called upon to heal body, mind and soul. They uniquely proclaim the forgiveness of sin. They pray, they educate, they comfort. They stand as a representative of both God and humankind in the midst of the most terrible times. Through death and disaster, Christians and non-Christians alike look to them for leadership, for comfort, for wisdom, and for healing. It is an impossible task, but they serve an impossible God, and nothing less is required."

Birthing the Holy

Last night, I walked through an oak shrouded park in near full moonlight. My companion and I watched as a circle encompassed the silver lady, one so impossibly large that it skimmed the plane of the horizon. We kept looking over our shoulders as she peered between the bare branches. (Oaks take longer than most to break into spring life, but they are also the last to bow to winter's rule.)

As we entered an open area, we again looked back, and I gasped. The moon was ensconced, rising, upon a swirling vortex of cloud that spiraled long and lean, holding the orb - or perhaps birthing it - high in the sky. The vortex gradually receded, forming a sky-spanning, perfect swan that lay motionless under the glowing moon.

Unknowing, he knelt and I sat, because it was a sight too awesome (in the true sense) to bear upon one's feet. I now understand the concept of 'holy'. What does it mean? I asked my God.

I heard, "An amazing thing is being birthed. It is global and it is personal. It looks like many separate things, but it is really all One. It is larger and more joyful than you can possibly imagine, and it will - you will - you all will - take wing. It is time for my children to Dream again."

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

Held in Freedom

I tried to bow out of the discernment process last night. The truth is, between running businesses and participating in a full-time grad program, I don't have the time to devote to such an all-important undertaking.

Besides, I see myself as an artist - a writer, a photographer, a mystic - and I can't imagine giving up that part of myself to become a parish priest, even as my heart beats in liturgical time to the Presence on the altar.

Also, the process has revealed to me the ways in which I still need to heal from my terrible wound.

The discernment committee listened carefully as I poured out these thoughts to them. They agreed that I appeared to have a full plate.

They completely disagreed with my conclusion that I was not called to the priesthood. They see my gifts as possibility for a wonderful priestly calling. I have agreed to postpone, not end, the process.

The warning here is: once God wraps Her arms around you, She never lets go.

Of course, She has had Her arms around us all from the beginning, long before our birth. We are carried, we are led, we are beloved.

And it all occurs within a blessed freedom - a paradox that is too difficult to understand, but still true.

A Question of Balance

Someone asked me today how I balance the math & physics side of myself with my creative, literary side. I said:

"Life is all about balance, isn't it? It's about standing under the sky at night and dancing with the stars. It's about love poems to the setting sun and sharing grief with the predawn moon. It's about walking in the wilderness and knowing that even if I die, some part of me will walk out whole, ready to enter the land of milk and honey.

"It's about looking at those around me and caring more about what they need than what I want. It's about laughter and joy and being gentle with myself when I do get knocked awry. It's about believing. And I choose to believe deeply in God, in good, in love, in those around me. I believe."

Vision Carrier

A friend recently told me I was her vision carrier, that I believed in her dream, and it gave her the courage to believe and work toward it, too.

I think we are all called to be vision carriers for one another.

A vision carrier does more than just believe in others' dreams, though.

A true vision carrier holds up a God-mirror, revealing each person as God sees them. For it is only when we can look upon ourselves as God looks upon us that we will have the courage to step out, to believe, and to live fully and joyfully in our dreams.

Reflections of the Moon

Reflections to a friend last night while looking at the beautiful full moon:

The beauty of the full moon on a clear night ENCOMPASSES the world. There is joy everywhere and in everything. We have to look harder to see it in some places, but it’s those troubled spaces that give us a chance to grow our souls, so we can appreciate the moon moments even more.

And don't fear for the young who have yet to experience their own dark nights, for they will grow into their souls in their own ways.

Unfurl Your Wings

Where are you taking me, Lord?

"To love & wholeness & joy & deep satisfaction. Why worry, child? It only clouds your spirit. Give me your worries, just put them in My hands & let them go. They are not yours to hold.

"Unfurl your wings & let them beat, for they beat in time to My heart, which is the pulse of the Universe. Fly, child. Fly.

"Love. Don't hold back. I will provide the governing - trust me, & love."

Trust

I have been asked by my priest to go through a discernment process, to determine what God may be calling me to. It is not the first time someone has felt that God may have a hand on my shoulder. This is curious to me, because I think I may be too wild a woman - not necessarily in behavior, but in spirit - to fit into any structured spiritual vocation. But I said yes, and per request compiled a spiritual autobiography. Here is the end:

"Through all the years, I have felt the tug of the Spirit. But I am still unclear toward what end She tugs.

Perhaps – probably – I am unsure because I am stubborn and lazy. I do not spend adequate time in Her presence. I do not pray often enough or deeply enough. Despite being given the gift of glimpses, I do not ask for the gift daily or even weekly. I am, in all ways, an inadequate vessel.

It does not seem to matter. When Father Jim approached me this autumn and, to my surprise, asked me if I was ready to start the discernment process, I threw up my spiritual hands. Fine. I do not wish to wind up in the belly of a whale. I do not wish to sit and pout in a parched wilderness under a drooping bush. I will go where God leads me."

I consulted with Father Dennis at a recent spiritual retreat. He affirmed that he too saw God's hand on me, and in response to my protestations that I am not an appropriate vessel, said:

"Trust. Trust the process, trust the people involved in walking the discernment path with you, trust God. Trust that God is calling you. Calling you to be you. Calling you as you are."

I think that is wisdom for all, whether we are called to sacramental ministry or to a ministry of our hands or minds. We must trust. Trust the process. Trust those around us. Trust God.

How do you Measure Light?

What do you have for me, my dear crazy God? You are crazy by any human measure, crazy judged by what you have us do, crazy beyond measure. Sane beyond measure. Beyond measure, truly.

How do you measure light? How do you measure the darkness? How do you measure when both burst in far beyond human capacity to experience, yet register deeply on the human soul? What am I to do with the darkness, Lord? What am I to do with the light?

You push me - I think you push too far. Do you delight in exploding this fragile earthen jar again & again?

I see your face ever before me. Playful yet intense, & always asking "Can you stay with me now?" Your dark eyes are filled with love & concern & support...and desire. Patient desire, but desire all the same. You want me. You want my heart, my soul, my mind, my all.