Trust

I have been asked by my priest to go through a discernment process, to determine what God may be calling me to. It is not the first time someone has felt that God may have a hand on my shoulder. This is curious to me, because I think I may be too wild a woman - not necessarily in behavior, but in spirit - to fit into any structured spiritual vocation. But I said yes, and per request compiled a spiritual autobiography. Here is the end:

"Through all the years, I have felt the tug of the Spirit. But I am still unclear toward what end She tugs.

Perhaps – probably – I am unsure because I am stubborn and lazy. I do not spend adequate time in Her presence. I do not pray often enough or deeply enough. Despite being given the gift of glimpses, I do not ask for the gift daily or even weekly. I am, in all ways, an inadequate vessel.

It does not seem to matter. When Father Jim approached me this autumn and, to my surprise, asked me if I was ready to start the discernment process, I threw up my spiritual hands. Fine. I do not wish to wind up in the belly of a whale. I do not wish to sit and pout in a parched wilderness under a drooping bush. I will go where God leads me."

I consulted with Father Dennis at a recent spiritual retreat. He affirmed that he too saw God's hand on me, and in response to my protestations that I am not an appropriate vessel, said:

"Trust. Trust the process, trust the people involved in walking the discernment path with you, trust God. Trust that God is calling you. Calling you to be you. Calling you as you are."

I think that is wisdom for all, whether we are called to sacramental ministry or to a ministry of our hands or minds. We must trust. Trust the process. Trust those around us. Trust God.