Birthing the Holy

Last night, I walked through an oak shrouded park in near full moonlight. My companion and I watched as a circle encompassed the silver lady, one so impossibly large that it skimmed the plane of the horizon. We kept looking over our shoulders as she peered between the bare branches. (Oaks take longer than most to break into spring life, but they are also the last to bow to winter's rule.)

As we entered an open area, we again looked back, and I gasped. The moon was ensconced, rising, upon a swirling vortex of cloud that spiraled long and lean, holding the orb - or perhaps birthing it - high in the sky. The vortex gradually receded, forming a sky-spanning, perfect swan that lay motionless under the glowing moon.

Unknowing, he knelt and I sat, because it was a sight too awesome (in the true sense) to bear upon one's feet. I now understand the concept of 'holy'. What does it mean? I asked my God.

I heard, "An amazing thing is being birthed. It is global and it is personal. It looks like many separate things, but it is really all One. It is larger and more joyful than you can possibly imagine, and it will - you will - you all will - take wing. It is time for my children to Dream again."

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

Held in Freedom

I tried to bow out of the discernment process last night. The truth is, between running businesses and participating in a full-time grad program, I don't have the time to devote to such an all-important undertaking.

Besides, I see myself as an artist - a writer, a photographer, a mystic - and I can't imagine giving up that part of myself to become a parish priest, even as my heart beats in liturgical time to the Presence on the altar.

Also, the process has revealed to me the ways in which I still need to heal from my terrible wound.

The discernment committee listened carefully as I poured out these thoughts to them. They agreed that I appeared to have a full plate.

They completely disagreed with my conclusion that I was not called to the priesthood. They see my gifts as possibility for a wonderful priestly calling. I have agreed to postpone, not end, the process.

The warning here is: once God wraps Her arms around you, She never lets go.

Of course, She has had Her arms around us all from the beginning, long before our birth. We are carried, we are led, we are beloved.

And it all occurs within a blessed freedom - a paradox that is too difficult to understand, but still true.

A Question of Balance

Someone asked me today how I balance the math & physics side of myself with my creative, literary side. I said:

"Life is all about balance, isn't it? It's about standing under the sky at night and dancing with the stars. It's about love poems to the setting sun and sharing grief with the predawn moon. It's about walking in the wilderness and knowing that even if I die, some part of me will walk out whole, ready to enter the land of milk and honey.

"It's about looking at those around me and caring more about what they need than what I want. It's about laughter and joy and being gentle with myself when I do get knocked awry. It's about believing. And I choose to believe deeply in God, in good, in love, in those around me. I believe."

Vision Carrier

A friend recently told me I was her vision carrier, that I believed in her dream, and it gave her the courage to believe and work toward it, too.

I think we are all called to be vision carriers for one another.

A vision carrier does more than just believe in others' dreams, though.

A true vision carrier holds up a God-mirror, revealing each person as God sees them. For it is only when we can look upon ourselves as God looks upon us that we will have the courage to step out, to believe, and to live fully and joyfully in our dreams.

Reflections of the Moon

Reflections to a friend last night while looking at the beautiful full moon:

The beauty of the full moon on a clear night ENCOMPASSES the world. There is joy everywhere and in everything. We have to look harder to see it in some places, but it’s those troubled spaces that give us a chance to grow our souls, so we can appreciate the moon moments even more.

And don't fear for the young who have yet to experience their own dark nights, for they will grow into their souls in their own ways.

Unfurl Your Wings

Where are you taking me, Lord?

"To love & wholeness & joy & deep satisfaction. Why worry, child? It only clouds your spirit. Give me your worries, just put them in My hands & let them go. They are not yours to hold.

"Unfurl your wings & let them beat, for they beat in time to My heart, which is the pulse of the Universe. Fly, child. Fly.

"Love. Don't hold back. I will provide the governing - trust me, & love."

Trust

I have been asked by my priest to go through a discernment process, to determine what God may be calling me to. It is not the first time someone has felt that God may have a hand on my shoulder. This is curious to me, because I think I may be too wild a woman - not necessarily in behavior, but in spirit - to fit into any structured spiritual vocation. But I said yes, and per request compiled a spiritual autobiography. Here is the end:

"Through all the years, I have felt the tug of the Spirit. But I am still unclear toward what end She tugs.

Perhaps – probably – I am unsure because I am stubborn and lazy. I do not spend adequate time in Her presence. I do not pray often enough or deeply enough. Despite being given the gift of glimpses, I do not ask for the gift daily or even weekly. I am, in all ways, an inadequate vessel.

It does not seem to matter. When Father Jim approached me this autumn and, to my surprise, asked me if I was ready to start the discernment process, I threw up my spiritual hands. Fine. I do not wish to wind up in the belly of a whale. I do not wish to sit and pout in a parched wilderness under a drooping bush. I will go where God leads me."

I consulted with Father Dennis at a recent spiritual retreat. He affirmed that he too saw God's hand on me, and in response to my protestations that I am not an appropriate vessel, said:

"Trust. Trust the process, trust the people involved in walking the discernment path with you, trust God. Trust that God is calling you. Calling you to be you. Calling you as you are."

I think that is wisdom for all, whether we are called to sacramental ministry or to a ministry of our hands or minds. We must trust. Trust the process. Trust those around us. Trust God.