Chrysalis

Lately, I find myself oft walking in pastoral moonlight at the invitation of a rediscovered friend. It is a spiritual walk through grove and field, with much talk of theology and mystical views. We strolled last night ahead of a predicted wind storm. I could smell the charging air. Weather was indeed afoot.

As we walked through a grove, I was struck by how ALIVE the flora seemed. I swear I could feel the trees and plants bursting from their winter quiescence into an exultant sentience. I commented as much.

"Oh," replied my friend, Chris. "That's because we're in the midst of Beltane. It isn't just a one-day celebration. The party is still going on."

In contemporary times, Beltane is celebrated on May 1 - also known as May Day. It is a Celtic festival that marks the midpoint of the spring season. It is characterized by bonfires and birth, by the making and the springing forth of new life. It does make sense that the world would feel especially alive right now.

We walked into a open grass field. "Can you feel it?" I said.

"Indeed," he replied.

"I have the strongest impulse to roll in the grass,"

"Well, then, why don't you?"

So I did. I took off my coat, lay down in the grass and rolled and rolled and rolled. When I finally whumped to a halt on my back, I was so dizzy that the cloudy sky spun for several minutes, making me nauseous. But I laughed delightedly, and the spinning - and my stomach - slowly calmed.

I arose and staggered around. (I have a cranky inner ear.) As I wobbled home, I felt as though I had tumbled in long filaments of spirit-stuff, which were now swathed about me in a light, gauzy cocoon.

The feeling persists today. I wonder what will be born of this chrysalis?

I'm SO not in Charge

In discussing my potential clergy call in a prior post, I noted that "once God wraps Her arms around you, She never lets go." It is truth. I was not able to abandon the discernment process. Instead, I was compelled to make peace, and to move forward with a gracious spirit. Excerpt from a recent essay assignment:

"To understand the need for clergy, we have to accept that Christianity is not a rational, civilized religion; rather, it is a wild and bloody mess. As followers of the Christ, we gather together each week, sit before a smeary altar, and watch as our priest utters words of incantation that change the mundane into the profoundly sacred. We kneel before a torturous symbol and insume the body and blood of our God via human sacrifice.

If we pretend our religion is otherwise, then there really is no need for clergy. But if we accept that we follow a God who demands no less than our bodies and souls, who did not spare even His own son, then we can perhaps begin to divine the necessity for those learned and brave (or perhaps foolish) enough to attempt the rituals that are an integral part of our faith. It is the clergy who risk standing before God in the rites of Communion, Baptism, Marriage and the rest. It the clergy who lay themselves bare upon the altar and offer themselves as a shield for the laity.

Clergy are called upon to heal body, mind and soul. They uniquely proclaim the forgiveness of sin. They pray, they educate, they comfort. They stand as a representative of both God and humankind in the midst of the most terrible times. Through death and disaster, Christians and non-Christians alike look to them for leadership, for comfort, for wisdom, and for healing. It is an impossible task, but they serve an impossible God, and nothing less is required."

Birthing the Holy

Last night, I walked through an oak shrouded park in near full moonlight. My companion and I watched as a circle encompassed the silver lady, one so impossibly large that it skimmed the plane of the horizon. We kept looking over our shoulders as she peered between the bare branches. (Oaks take longer than most to break into spring life, but they are also the last to bow to winter's rule.)

As we entered an open area, we again looked back, and I gasped. The moon was ensconced, rising, upon a swirling vortex of cloud that spiraled long and lean, holding the orb - or perhaps birthing it - high in the sky. The vortex gradually receded, forming a sky-spanning, perfect swan that lay motionless under the glowing moon.

Unknowing, he knelt and I sat, because it was a sight too awesome (in the true sense) to bear upon one's feet. I now understand the concept of 'holy'. What does it mean? I asked my God.

I heard, "An amazing thing is being birthed. It is global and it is personal. It looks like many separate things, but it is really all One. It is larger and more joyful than you can possibly imagine, and it will - you will - you all will - take wing. It is time for my children to Dream again."

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

Held in Freedom

I tried to bow out of the discernment process last night. The truth is, between running businesses and participating in a full-time grad program, I don't have the time to devote to such an all-important undertaking.

Besides, I see myself as an artist - a writer, a photographer, a mystic - and I can't imagine giving up that part of myself to become a parish priest, even as my heart beats in liturgical time to the Presence on the altar.

Also, the process has revealed to me the ways in which I still need to heal from my terrible wound.

The discernment committee listened carefully as I poured out these thoughts to them. They agreed that I appeared to have a full plate.

They completely disagreed with my conclusion that I was not called to the priesthood. They see my gifts as possibility for a wonderful priestly calling. I have agreed to postpone, not end, the process.

The warning here is: once God wraps Her arms around you, She never lets go.

Of course, She has had Her arms around us all from the beginning, long before our birth. We are carried, we are led, we are beloved.

And it all occurs within a blessed freedom - a paradox that is too difficult to understand, but still true.

A Question of Balance

Someone asked me today how I balance the math & physics side of myself with my creative, literary side. I said:

"Life is all about balance, isn't it? It's about standing under the sky at night and dancing with the stars. It's about love poems to the setting sun and sharing grief with the predawn moon. It's about walking in the wilderness and knowing that even if I die, some part of me will walk out whole, ready to enter the land of milk and honey.

"It's about looking at those around me and caring more about what they need than what I want. It's about laughter and joy and being gentle with myself when I do get knocked awry. It's about believing. And I choose to believe deeply in God, in good, in love, in those around me. I believe."

Vision Carrier

A friend recently told me I was her vision carrier, that I believed in her dream, and it gave her the courage to believe and work toward it, too.

I think we are all called to be vision carriers for one another.

A vision carrier does more than just believe in others' dreams, though.

A true vision carrier holds up a God-mirror, revealing each person as God sees them. For it is only when we can look upon ourselves as God looks upon us that we will have the courage to step out, to believe, and to live fully and joyfully in our dreams.

Reflections of the Moon

Reflections to a friend last night while looking at the beautiful full moon:

The beauty of the full moon on a clear night ENCOMPASSES the world. There is joy everywhere and in everything. We have to look harder to see it in some places, but it’s those troubled spaces that give us a chance to grow our souls, so we can appreciate the moon moments even more.

And don't fear for the young who have yet to experience their own dark nights, for they will grow into their souls in their own ways.